No, not in the sense that I want a sex change or to start going out in women’s clothing and having everyone I know address me as a female name. As hot as the latter would be in a sexual play type of way its not something I even think about remotely as a desire outside of the bedroom. That is merely just a bit of my humiliation/feminization fetish wanting to come out and play. I want to be a girl in the sense that I would love to have been born a female.
A few stipulations are accompanied by that thought. The first and foremost being that I’d want to be attractive. Unfortunately in the world I think the hardest to get by are unattractive women. They don’t have the benefit of the doubt that men get with practically everything and they don’t have the “pass” that SOME attractive women get SOMETIMES. (I had to capitalize those because I know pretty girls don’t get away with everything all the time.)
When I say I’d want to be attractive I say that in a sense that I’d want to look like a girl that I would fine attractive. I don’t need to be a super model or one of the most beautiful girls in the world or even the country. I would just want to be held to my own personal standard of “pretty.” If I would find female me pretty then that would be enough for me.
When I say pretty I mean, pretty much, in the face. Weight does not determine beauty/attractiveness to me. Plus a persons weight is within their control. If I were female me and I decided to eat terribly and never work out then it would be my own fault I would be unattractive when I reached 300 lbs. You can’t change your face though, you have no control over that. (I don’t count cosmetic surgery because the people who choose that to make themselves look “prettier” and not because they have a deformity look bizarre a lot of the time.)
I’m rambling on semantics now. The original point being that I’ve always wondered what it would be like if I were born a girl. I always think I’d prefer it because as a guy who isn’t anything special but who would love to adore a pretty girl I’d love to be the pretty girl who is adored. I think back to my loneliest times from grade 8 until grade 9 sometime. It extended into grade 10 and early grade 11 but the worst was 8 and 9. I felt extremely alone with no friends. I’m not talking about the whining “I have no friends” that a person does to their best friend or two. I mean I had zero friends.
I was a quiet and shy kid and was picked on occasionally because of this. I was never comfortable enough to put myself out there and make friends. I had no self confidence. Any friends I had made before had moved away or were in that age where they were starting to spread out into the “bad kids” that smoked and spoke in raunchy anecdotes that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t fit in with anyone.
I walked home most of the time. It was about 5 miles but I’d rather walk then take the bus which was even rowdier than lunchtime because there was only one driver who had to concentrate on the road. In the morning everyone was still half asleep so I didn’t mind but on the way home I just wanted to be alone rather than risk being picked on by a group in a small area.
On these walks home is where I started to develop my idea of wanting to be a girl. I wished I had been born a girl but obviously couldn’t go back in time. Plus I wanted to appreciate it more and keeping my same mind would allow me to remember what it was like to be a lonely boy. It was a case of the grass is always greener because I could have just as easily been a lonely girl and been harassed even worse in a sexual way but when you’re in that kind of depression you think anything is better than this.
I would think about waking up in the morning and being a girl. I’d think about what a shock it would be at first and shortly after that how amazing it would be. I figured I would want to start admiring myself. I would most definitely let my hands explore my body and get to know “the lay of the land.” I’d want to see how each and every touch affected each and every part of my new self. Then I’d remember that I don’t even know what I look like and I’d jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to admire myself. I’d smile and jump up and down and squeal to myself in the most wonderful girlish way.
I would have random fantasies that went off from there. At that point I had no interest in cock and a massive obsession with lesbians. I would think how great it would be to live in a house with a bunch of other similar aged sexy girls and we’d have wild orgies every night. It was a 15 year old fantasy so you can expect what it involved. But after the initial idea became a little stale I started to develop the idea further. I would wonder what it would be like to wake up as a girl. I’d have an actual story thinking if it actually happened. I’d put myself in that situation and have a sudden panic wondering if I am just waking up a girl and my old self is gone. What about my parents, do they know me as a girl or are they going to walk in and freak out because the old me is gone and they don’t know who this girl is in my room, or have I been a girl all along in this new reality?
In saying all this I was thinking last night that it would make a lovely story. A fun thing to write for myself and develop it out as an ongoing adventure. The idea of being shy and depressed and lonely then finally getting my wish granted suddenly and waking up a girl and everything that comes after it. I’d then keep writing as I see fit. New adventures as kind of a blog/diary of my new adventures. I admit it will probably be mostly about sex. 🙂 A kind of sexual adventure as a girl with all of my fun kinks and fantasies being able to be played out in my mind and have something to look back on instead of having to start from scratch every time. I guess this is just kind of a precursor to that.
Feel free to comment and anything and everything I post. Tell me I’m a fucking weirdo and a sick sick person, go ahead 🙂 I don’t mind.