Its easy to forget about the bigger things in the world. That people have real problems to be depressed about. That their lives are in shambles and the have no seeming hope to look forward to whenever they wake up. When I think about things in my life and how I say to myself that I can’t imagine anything more depressing than being someone so completely average I’m not thinking of people worse off than me. Fuck them. I don’t know them and I don’t care about them because of that. I’m thinking how awful it feels to be a grown man who doesn’t feel like he belongs anywhere. Like his purpose is to just exist to benefit someone else. The life of always being an extra even in your own existence.
My job is awful and provides nothing satisfactory. Its meaningless and repetitive and I hate it. The hours are horrible and the pay is barely adequate to continue a boring life. I live in an out of the way little town an hour from a small city. My wife seems to only take an interest in me when she’s criticizing what I’ve done or to yell at me for something I’ve done wrong. She doesn’t want to be married to me anymore but won’t say it. She never really wanted to and probably feels the exact same way as I do about her life and is taking it out on me. I feel pathetic. I’m extremely depressed.
My wife’s gone to bed ahead of me because I needed to be alone for a bit. I told her I would be there in a minute and its going on 30 now. I scrolled around the internet and eventually found myself looking at pictures of young, naked women. It wasn’t even to jerk off but simply, and ignorantly, thinking how easy they have it. I thought young, hot women can get any man to do anything they want. I threw my head back and groaned how jealous I was of them. How I’d give anything to be one of them.
I closed my laptop and turned off the lights to go to bed. Standing in the door way and looking at my wife sound asleep I drop my head and sigh before stripping down and climbing in bed. I took all of my clothes off thinking I might jerk off and cum, I always sleep better after I cum. I tried but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t get hard no matter how much I tried to get the depressing thoughts out of my head.
Eventually I dosed off thinking about being a teenager. My mind had wandered back to when I was in high school and I was lonely. How the only thing that got me through was my imagination. How I created an entire world in my head where I was a girl named Kali. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. I played with the idea that I’d wake up in a dream state in my parents living room and barter with the devil to sell my soul to him to be her. I’d negotiate every little detail of her and give some of “me” up in order to be the perfect her.
I would give up my love of video games and football in order to be smarter and have a better metabolism so I could eat nearly anything I wanted. I’d want a great sense of fashion and a strong work ethic and drive so I never got lazy. I’d go through all of the different things about her looks and personality until she was my perfect creation and the devil would grant this to me in exchange for my soul and one other thing. He told me I could be her and everything I wanted except I would be bisexual. In my teenage mind it was a deal that was made to make her perfect as originally I had wanted her to be a lesbian, but now I know it was just my underlying interest in men that made me want to be a girl and fuck men and women.
While running this through my head I fell asleep and somewhere in the middle it transferred into a dream I was having as if it were real. The cloudy feeling of your mind where you know its not real but it feels like its happening surrounded me and I didn’t snap out of it until my eyes opened in the morning.
The night went by fast but it felt like I had slept for days. It was one of those refreshing nights’ sleep that recharge every bit of you. I awoke peacefully staring at the ceiling and could feel the calmness in every part of me.
The long, rest-filled sleep made it feel like my muscles were tight and I need a stretch. My arms reached out above my head and I let out a moaning yawn while shutting my eyes tight. In between the yawn I could hear my moan sound softer than usual but didn’t think anything of it.
I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. I felt so incredibly comfortable I didn’t want to move. I hadn’t felt this relaxed in years and was surprised my wife hadn’t gotten me up yet. That’s when I noticed something was wrong. Quickly darting my head around I saw that I wasn’t in my bedroom. My heart began to race and I felt a feeling of terror and panic jolt through me. I sprang up and sat at the edge of the bed, surveying everything and my mouth dropped open and I stared around in bewilderment. I knew this room. I grew up in this room as a teenager.
The TV was in front of the bed. An old chair next to where my head slept. My desk and computer is against the far wall and a box fan sat in the window. My eyes blinked repeatedly thinking that this can’t be real. How the hell did I end up back here? This couldn’t be a dream, it was too real. I reached up to slap myself to see if I could feel it and it felt plain as any slap I had given myself while trying to stay awake while driving. Although there was a slight difference.
When my hand connected with my face and pulled back it brushed along my hair. The long strands reached down to my shoulders and a little beyond only I have never had my hair that long in my entire life. I turned my head to the side and reached my hands up to grab a clump of my hair and pull it into view. It was long and blonde and didn’t look anything like my hair. It was perfectly straight and wispy like my hair but that was the only similarity. The blonde was a bright yellow and it looked perfectly taken care of like someone had spent time to make sure it looked nice.
I started to become more nervous until I stood up and looked down then let out a shriek. I quickly covered my mouth and grabbed the blanket it to wrap around my body. I was freaking out now and sat down with my hands on my head. Pulling the blanket away from my body and looking down I stared at a pair of breasts. They weren’t over weight man breasts either, but full young woman breasts. Thinking to my wife’s sized breasts they resembled hers in size, about a 38B. I clutched the blanket to myself again and then my eyes opened wide in horror. Scared I reached to the seam of the blanket and slipped my hand inside and gripped my thigh. Then, forcing myself to inspect further I ran my hand all the way between my legs and felt nothing. My mouth was open again and I didn’t know if I wanted to scream or cry. The further my hand reached the the more it felt. The slit between my legs, completely hairless. Going further I could feel the parts of the female anatomy only now when I felt it there was a sensation because it belonged to me.
Keeping the blanket wrapped around me tightly as if I were in a fishbowl and anyone could walk by and see me at any instant I stood up and rushed over to my dresser. I pulled open the top drawer and inside were a myriad of panties and bras strewn about. I began to pant heavily like I had just run a marathon.
What the fuck was going on?
I pulled open the other drawers; tshirts, blouses, tanktops, camisoles, jeans, leggings, skirts. I whirled around and went to the closet and flipped through the clothes hanging up; dresses and fancier outfits that don’t get thrown in a dresser. Oh. My. God.
I start to mutter to myself,”what’s going on. What in the hell is going on.”
I stop and turn back to the dresser and grab a random pair of panties and slip them on. I grab a bra and throw my arms through it and fumble my way behind me trying to hook it in place. After a few repeated tries I rip it off, hook it and then put it on like a shirt and shift it into place. Pulling it down over my nipples makes me cringe slightly as the hard wire flicks the sensitive tip. Then riffling through the drawers I find some pajamas and pull them over and then quietly open the door.
I look out into the hallway and am shocked at how I’m staring at everything exactly as it was twenty years ago. The desk to the right. My brothers room right next to mine (was it still my brother or do I now have a sister?). The bathroom at the end of the hall before it turns left to my parents room. I hold my breath and tip toe across the carpet to the bathroom. My dads office a few feet from the bathroom door. He used to wake up early and sit in there by himself most mornings. I lean and peek into the room and nobody was there. The house was silent and I moved myself into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.
I spun around and stood in front of the giant wall mirror that went up from the counter all the way to the ceiling. My mouth was open once again and my eyes were wide. I reached up and watched my hand touch my face. I stared at the person in the mirror and didn’t believe it was me. I was looking at a girl. She had long blonde hair and a long face to match it. She was tall for a girl but not quite as tall as I had been as a teenager. Her lips were full and her face was quite pretty. If I had a cock it would be hard right now. Her eyes were the same blue as mine were, the dark blue of the ocean when it was in the midst of a storm. I was mesmerized by her until I closed my mouth sharply and leaned in closer to the mirror and whispered aloud, “I’m a girl.”